A month ago, we had experienced a tragic loss in the family. An aunt who is very close to my heart was in an accident during Typhoon Glenda in mid July, which led to her passing. It was a matter of days and everything happened so quick that we barely had time to process it all in. And being overseas did not make it any easier. I was constantly on the phone with my cousins, anticipating good news after the accident, and then after the sad news came, it was a matter of waiting. There were no wounds or scars but pain can be felt from thousands of miles away. The day she was laid to rest, I could feel a knot in my throat, in my chest and the only comfort was tears. Tears that kept flowing sporadically. While cooking. I’d be sitting in the lounge and tears just flowed. It was hard to say good bye. My only consolation was the time spent with her when we went to Manila the last week of May. It was brief but full of laughs and memories that I hold onto now. She hugged me so tight and asked me not to go back to the city yet.
I
look back at how she was a big part of my life growing up. She was the
aunt who let us kids browse through her records and play ABBA on
repeat, The Beatles and the Bee Gees. Later on, she’d support us with
our love for Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran and Rick Astley. Taught us
dance moves that we would use for pretend beauty pageants she’d host at
her place. She was the aunt who knows secrets you’d never tell your
parents. When I broke up with a boyfriend, she was the first one on the
phone – inquiring, asking, consoling. She meant a lot to the nieces and
nephews she’d help and spend time with growing up, as she did not have a
family of her own. She was single. But had a family who loved and
supported her till the very end. She was 61.
Loss
is a difficult experience and it brings out humanity’s vulnerability.
For days I felt really uneasy, fearful even. My head felt literally off
centre and I found myself with bouts of anxiety – while driving, while
at work, while cooking. My thoughts were filled with so much negative
energies that I felt like I could just collapse while walking or doing
some chores. All of a sudden, I am back in that dark space late 2012 when I experienced a panic attack. It’s a
dreadful place to be. My headspace was so dark that I could only see
shadows. But I’m thankful for family and friends who unknowingly pull
me up from the abyss I created for myself with the simple words and
actions they do every day. As simple as picking me up for a yoga
session, or calling up to say hello. Those surprise hugs from behind
and words that say “I love you” indirectly. I am back to meditation and
yoga and walking. It clears up my headspace and puts me in a calm
state. Baking gives me that too. And so does reading. And writing. Coping with loss, we move on and try to grab onto distractions to keep us busy and preoccupied with new things, not because we want to forget. But because we want to mask the pain.
So I've been trying new things in the kitchen. Pinterest and Instagram inspires me. There is endless talent in IG alone and there's always something new to try because someone else baked/cooked/made it. And for weeks now, I've been trying different brownie recipes - gluten free, with fruits, with more chocolate, with more nuts, etc. And this is one of them.
As I write this post I can still feel a subtle knot in my chest and in my throat as I remember her. She will like this for sure. She loves dark chocolates.
As I write this post I can still feel a subtle knot in my chest and in my throat as I remember her. She will like this for sure. She loves dark chocolates.
This recipe uses gluten free flour and inspired from taste.com.au
Ingredients
200 grams dark chocolate, 70% cacao, roughly chopped
200 grams salted butter, cut into cubes
3 eggs
2 egg yolks
270 grams (1 and 1/4 cup) caster sugar
115 grams (3/4 cup) gluten flour
(or a combination of 1/4c corn flour, 1/4c tapioca starch, 1/4c rice flour)
35 grams (1/3 cup) Nestle Plaistowe Dutch processed cocoa
1 125g punnet of raspberries, half roughly chopped the rest leave as whole
Method
Preheat oven to 160*C.
Lightly grease and line the base and sides of a square brownie pan.
In a bowl, combine the sugar, flours and cocoa powder. Set aside.
On the stove, place a saucepan half filled with water and bring to a low simmer.
Put the chocolate and butter in a heat proof bowl, and place over a sauce pan making sure the base is not touching the water.
Stir with a rubber spatula until chocolate and butter has melted into a smooth and shiny consistency. Let it cool slightly - not hot to the touch, but warm.
In a measuring jug (or a medium sized bowl), beat the eggs and egg yolks.
Using a whisk or a wooden spoon, add the eggs to the chocolate mixture and stir until incorporated. About a minute of mixing by hand.
Add the flour mixture and stir until just combined.
Pour onto prepared pans.
Distribute whole raspberries on top of batter and scatter and sprinkle the chopped ones.
Bake in the preheated oven for 45 minutes. Crumbs should cling to the skewer when you do the test.
Set aside to cool for 6 hours or overnight.
Slice into equal squares.
Tips and tricks:
* I used Nestle Plaistowe dutch processed cocoa because that's why I had at home. Also it makes for darker brownies. Any cocoa variety will do.
* Any kind of fruit would work well with this brownie recipe, even nuts. So this is a great base brownie recipe.
